Anhedonia

anhedonia n. -- A psychological condition characterized by inability to experience pleasure in normally pleasurable acts.

Throughout my years of trading, I've always suffered the biggest hits to my account after a series of winning trades -- the bigger the win streak, the larger the subsequent drawdown that would inevitably strike. Of course, the explanation goes beyond a statistical return to the norm. When we're hot, some of us are prone to nurturing the idea that such gains will be routine for the remainder of our trading days; operating under such a mindset, it takes a surprisingly meager number of round trips for the market remind us of the absurdity of such a notion.

So this lesson I took to heart, to such a point that I think I've severed any connection between successful trading and the pleasure center in my brain. I've never been one to boast of any accomplishment, least of all in this line of work, but my attitude towards success in the markets borders on paranoia. I've come to accept and learn from the mistakes I make, but have difficulty in allowing my achievements to provide anything more than brief affirmation. My progress as a trader seems almost entirely driven by negative reinforcement; if only the pains and frustrations were equally quarantined from my cortex, this trade-off might be deemed fair enough, if somewhat piteous. But this relationship cannot endure, for what ultimate purpose lies in an occupation whose very fruits cannot be relished, much less the process by which they are harvested? I've only begun to rethink my relationship with system, success, and progress, and have nothing yet concrete beyond an awareness that a change must be made.