There and Back Again

How come I end up where I started?
How come I end up where I went wrong?
Won't take my eyes off the ball again . . .

-- Radiohead

What a long and strange trip this has been.

I cut my teeth in trading a decade ago as a "SOES bandit", where luck and a bubble market left me with a big head and no clue in the aftermath. Then I spent years in limbo trading futures: currencies, SIF's, bonds, metals, energy, etc., cycling extraordinary gains with even more dramatic blow-ups. I went to the edge this past year when I seriously questioned myself, whether or not I had learned anything of use over the years -- a trader who loses his confidence is a sorry sight indeed. But I suppose perseverance won out in the end, even though I'd be the first to admit that I continued forward because I really had no where else to go.

And now where am I? Back in stocks, trading prop of all things, where I guess I belong. I go home flat each day; no more "campaign" trading nor playing DIY hedge fund manager for this humble trader. I feel blessed enough to be excited every Monday morning for the start of each week. I get to even talk to other traders (like, real live people), and have my P/L pored over each day, instead of trading isolated at home, rationalizing god knows what in the dark. Most importantly, I'm glad to be able to say that all those years in front of the screen did not go to waste. Sure, I'm making one mistake after another as I plunge headlong back into the world of equities, but each time there's a calming familiarity, a lack of panic despite what goes wrong, like I've seen all this before. Discard the emotions, and the losses read like a textbook manual -- one page at a time. I'm optimistic.